“The Circumstance”

I’m going to call myself The Circumstance, lower my boob lines, raise my hemlines and make $50 million. Then I’m going to buy a small newspaper and never show my face in public again.

I came to this conclusion after reading in The Hollywood Reporter that Mike Sorrentino is about to earn $5 million, and I’m worth at least 10 times what he is.

Don’t know him? Sure you do. Consider his nickname: “The Situation.”

Aw, now you’re with me.

Mike is one of the “stars” of what The Reporter calls “MTV’s pop-culture phenomenon “Jersey Shore” – but what I call one less reason to watch TV.

The show chronicles, no, that’s to big a word – it shows us the partying of a gang of twenty-somethings who live to party. Their party has saved MTV and before New Year’s Eve, Mike may earn $5 million.

He’s 29 years old.

His talent? He rarely wears a shirt. For which he’s paid $60,000 a week. I was a journalist for 15 years before I earned $60,000 a week. And the only time I almost lost my shirt was when I was chased by a dog on a farm, where I went to interview the mother of a suspected murderer.

Oh, and he’s writing a book “Here’s the Situation.” Oh, I mean an autobiography with his name will probably be out next year. He plans to endorse some vodka, The Reporter story says, and you can get his latest rap effort on iTunes. (You can. I won’t.)

I may sound like I’m mad at Mike. I’m not mad at Mike. I just know that sitting in a university lab somewhere without a single fan is a kid who may be working on a cure for cancer. Somewhere in a basement is a kid who is writing something as glorious as Jeffrey Eugenides “Middlesex” or Edward Jones’ “The Known World” and they will have a hard time getting anyone’s attention because everyone is so focused on “The Situation.”

So The Circumstance is ready for her close-up, until it gets me the money to do bigger and more important things than lower my boob line and raise my hemline, like take note of those young scientists and writers in that newspaper I plan to buy.

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